Living with panic and anxiety disorder is like traversing a landscape of peaks and valleys, where the terrain shifts between moments of clarity and periods of debilitating fear. For many of us, the journey entails grappling with the notion of normalcy and the ever-looming specter of feeling like a fraud when the clouds of panic momentarily part.

Living with panic and anxiety disorder is akin to riding a rollercoaster, where peaks of functionality are often overshadowed by valleys of uncertainty and fear. For many individuals, there exists a silent struggle—feeling like a fraud amidst moments of seemingly normalcy and productivity.

Calm Corner

In my own experience, I’ve learned to accept the ebb and flow of my condition, recognising that my life is made up of good and bad periods, albeit with my bad periods being more severe and impactful on my day-to-day existence. It’s a realisation that has brought both acceptance and a peculiar sense of frustration—a feeling that, even in moments of respite, I can’t seem to shake.

During the depths of my struggle, agoraphobia rears its ugly head, constricting my world to the confines of my home and rendering even the simplest tasks a Herculean challenge. The constant battle against panic, the struggle to perform basic activities, the relentless dizziness—it’s a burden I carry with me every moment of every day.

You would think that when the shadows recede and I find myself capable of the seemingly mundane—venturing outside without succumbing to panic, savoring a moment in a coffee shop without fleeing in discomfort—it would be a cause for celebration. And it is, to some extent. Since leaving my previous job, which exacerbated my anxiety tenfold, I’ve found myself functioning more effectively than I have in months.

Yet, with this newfound functionality comes a curious sense of self-doubt. In the relentless pursuit of raising awareness about the debilitating nature of panic and anxiety, I’ve inadvertently found myself feeling like a fraud when I can perform daily tasks once more. It’s as though my ability to function invalidates the severity of my struggles—an irony that weighs heavily on my conscience.

I’ve come to realize that progress isn’t linear. Eight months ago, I found myself at rock bottom, convinced that my existence was hanging by a thread. The journey from there to where I stand now—a testament to resilience and determination—is nothing short of miraculous, and yet; even as I navigate the world with greater ease, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m somehow deceiving those around me.

The fear of being perceived as “cured” or “fixed” looms large, overshadowing each small victory with a cloud of doubt. A recent venture to a live music event served as a stark reminder of the fragility of progress—the bass reverberating in my chest, the crush of the crowd—a visceral reminder that healing is a journey, not a destination.

So, where does that leave me? Learning to temper expectations, embracing each day as it comes, and acknowledging that my journey is slightly different than others, but also the same as many. It’s a lesson in resilience, a reminder that progress isn’t measured in leaps and bounds but in the small, incremental steps we take toward healing.

As I navigate the paradox of functioning better with panic and anxiety disorder, I hold onto the hope that my journey will inspire others to embrace their own struggles with compassion and understanding. There is a light of the end of the tunnel, I promise. Where I am now was just unimaginable 8 months ago. I believe that in sharing our stories, we can dispel the notion of feeling like a fraud and instead celebrate the resilience that lies within us all.

Where have I been?

For a while now, I’ve been absent from Calm Corner, feeling like a fraud amidst my struggles with panic and anxiety. It’s a paradoxical feeling—I’ve hesitated to post during times of improvement, fearing that my moments of respite would invalidate the severity of my struggles and others. However, I’ve come to realize the importance of sharing my experiences, especially during high functioning periods.

Posting during periods of wellness is crucial—it serves as a beacon of hope for those currently in the trenches, reminding them that there is light at the end of the tunnel. While our journey may be fraught with ups and downs, it’s essential to acknowledge that functioning again is possible.

You will find yourself savoring coffee with friends, enjoying meals without discomfort, reveling in nature’s beauty during walks, and basking in the warmth of the sun on your face once more. These moments may not last forever but you will get there, again and again, and they serve as reminders of our resilience and capacity for healing.

So, I’m back. I wanted to share this newfound sense of hope and possibility with you. Together, let’s navigate the twists and turns of life’s journey, embracing the highs and lows with courage and resilience.